War on the Waking
by minatochan2
Summary: Wars cannot be waged without an objective. What's Minato's? Well, having Naruto awake would be nice... Sequel to "Three Ways to Wake a Naruto".
1. Attempt One

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Naruto, but I do have a messy room [I should get an award for that mess….]

**WARNING:** this is crackfic to the extreme. If you cannot handle unpredictable randomness, turn back now. Save yourself the sanity and brain cells ONO

**_Background:_**_ Kushina has left her husband with the "easy" task of waking up Naruto while she is out running errands. Minato is convinced that he will be burned alive if he does not succeed, but even with this "life or death" motivation, things still don't go quite as planned. Negotiations aren't working, and it looks like it's time to go on the offensive._

* * *

Attempt One: Hairbands

The clatter of shifting pieces broke the careful silence. Minato frowned angrily at the array of shogi wedges as he vigilantly placed them on the board. An army of them were accusingly pointed in his direction from the opposite side, numerous of his own tiles taken in enemy hands. The yondaime scratched his chin in concentration. He knew all too well that this was far more than just a game. Each unsuccessful attempt, each second that ticked by, meant one less second of his life. There was no time for mistakes.

Minato cautiously observed the layout before him, planning his next move with all the focus he could possibly muster. He lifted a shaking finger and moved another tile forward: the Ginsho [*Silver General]. Three enemy soldiers were spaces away, hovering threateningly on the border of his home camp. Minato was gambling, but he couldn't play it safe anymore. He glanced up to his opponent situated on the other end of the room, gauging every lethargic moment with an attentive flash of his irises …could he pull it off?

The man warily crept across the wooden flooring, slipping his hand into the bag of supplies he had managed to scavenge. _A shinobi is only as good as his weapon_, he reminded himself as his fingers grasped the desired object. He exhaled softly, twirling a band around his thumb and pointer finger. His eyes never left his target.

Minato took one last, deep breath and descended into enemy territory. He suddenly halted, aiming his weapon carefully before releasing the hair tie wrapped around his fingers.

Misfire.

Minato instantly cradled his injured eye, withholding the rainbow of curses waiting to burst from his mouth. He quietly stomped his foot on the ground to channel out some of the pain. He should have guessed the projectile would end up going backwards. Hairband shooting was always Kushina's department in their marriage anyway.

The very mention of the redhead brought Minato back to reality. "Hairband, right." The hokage used his good eye to scan the floor, but the item eluded his sight. Minato's target sighed happily in his sleep. "Don't gimme that, Naruto," he growled, sparing a half-hearted glare toward the blonde snuggled in between a mass of bed sheets. Sadly, Naruto had been like that for the entirety of the morning.

_Hairband now, revenge later,_ Minato corrected himself once the thought of tossing his son down the stairs reentered his mind for the sixth time that afternoon. He shuffled around on his knees and managed to retrieve the article, which had somehow wound up underneath the bed. At least it was still in one piece.

Another clack sounded on the shogi board. Naruto won that round, and Minato figured he deserved at least an advance for surviving (even if it was from the hokage's own friendly-fire). Minato still spared himself his Ginsho. The blonde settled back against the wall, struggling to open his injured eye. His sight cleared after a few tries, and he went back to strategizing a way to wake up the teenager— or at least something that wouldn't involve self-harm.

"Good tactic, bad execution." Minato spun the band playfully around his fingers as he watched the motionless panel. He would have gone for a second try, but the sting in his left eye warned him of the potential repercussions…or concussions….

And then there were the three soldiers surrounding his General. Minato peeked up at the three pillows sitting smugly on the bed, hands down the hardest rocks ever designed by man. He was convinced that there were others somewhere within his son's reach, but for now, those few posed the largest, ballistic threat.

The yondaime nodded. He needed something that didn't involve him directly. An ingenious light bulb signaled above his head, and he darted out of the bedroom.

A few over-dramatic sawing noises vroomed from further down the hall followed by an ecstatic hokage. Minato slammed his cardboard masterpiece on the floor, giving the miniature catapult a small test run with a pleased nod.

"Perfect!" he chirped, strapping a spectrum of bands to the machine. Kushina wouldn't mind if he used them, right? He considered the possibility of this going horribly wrong for a second, but shrugged it off. Besides, the kunai he had used when crafting his mini "Mona Lisa" was practically smiling at him. It definitely knew something he didn't….

_But at least I didn't use her hair clips_, Minato assured himself, _or else— haha— I would definitely be dead_.

Naruto grumbled something meters away, rolling onto his back.

"Not now, son," Minato drawled. "Unless you're going to wake up, Tou-chan's too busy building war machines." He immediately went back to fiddling with the catapult like a child would a block labeled with the abc's. Minato cautiously retreated, a long trail of string attached to the trigger dangling from his hands. "Extra precaution," the hokage decided, backtracking just outside the room to avoid any return fire. The thread grew taught, and he was thankful that he had enough to make it to safety.

"Alright, Naruto. This is your last chance to surrender, or you and I are at war!" Silence. Minato frowned and unexcitedly yanked the string.

"Ow!"

Minato practically jumped out of his skin. He hadn't expected any reaction….and… when had Naruto's voice dropped?

The man tumbled into the room. "Naru-chan!" he cheered, nearly waving pom-poms in his success. His son snorted in response from the bed. Minato faltered. "Wait a minute…you're not…awake?" He painfully traced the strand back. The catapult was rejected on the floor, but one fact stood out: it was turned 100% in the wrong direction (…more like 180%). Minato lifted his eyes from the cardboard block to greet a mass of white hair dancing wildly and cursing while cradling an eye.

"WHAT THE HECK DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING, MINATO!?" Jiraiya growled. "I could've been doing research, but I decided to visit my favorite student and his son, only to get shot at wit—with a hairband!?" The sennin pointed to the object accusingly, glowering irately at the hokage.

"I— I can explain!" Minato excused quickly. "You see, I kinda have to wake Naruto up in like, the next five minutes probably, or I'm going to get skewered."

Jiraiya mumbled uninterestedly, "by whom?"

"…my wife."

The old man nodded. "Your wife…right…Ri—Rika?"

Minato blinked detachedly, shaking his head at the guess. "Kushin—"

"Kushina! I knew that!"

The hokage face-palmed, ignoring the indignant snore echoing from the other side of the room. "…you're senile."

* * *

**Author's Note:**

I documented all of Minato's individual and zany attempts that got bypassed during the 2nd chapter (like the boss safari-hunter that I am). I might throw in an alternate ending.

This is probably gonna seem more like a compilation of mini-skits. It's got absolutely zero plot, but I don't leave stories hanging though, so please follow if you're interested and review. Thanks!

Next- Attempt Two: Ice Cubes

Minatochan2


	2. Attempt Two

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Naruto, and I can't do the splits ;A; [*shunned by the flexible people*]

* * *

Attempt Two: Icecubes

Minato waited patiently for Jiraiya to cease his sporadic dance. He pinched the bridge of his nose. "Yes, sensei. We've already clarified that you're the Great Toad Sage of Mount Myoboku and tamer of women—or whatever."

The sennin pouted before his face brightened. "If you can't even remember what I say, obviously you need to hear it one more time."

Minato immediately flung to stop the man from repeating the rant. "Jiraiya-sensei! Not now! This is a dire situation."

"Ung, it's always dire situations with you hokage folk. You sound like you could use a trip, I dunno, maybe to a hot spring." He nudged the blushing yondaime with an elbow, sporting a suggesting wink.

"Sensei! I'm a married man!"

"Minato, you sap. I just heard some beauties were going to be there today from one of my sources. Besides, you sound like you could use a day off."

"So that's what you use your sources for these days…"

"Oi! They're reliable, and last I checked, the intel was more important than the source."

"Snnnnggh—_ snort_."

"I know, Naruto. Your Godfather's a perve."

Jiraiya pouted at the label. "Fine, it's clear to me that you're not in the mood." – Minato nearly cried. At least he'd made progress with _someone_ today. –"What do you propose we do?"

The yondaime was at the groveling stage when he heard the question. "Help me!"

Jiraiya blinked in surprise. "You've really lost it, haven't you?" He followed his student's pointer finger to where Naruto was snoring. "I see… Well, you obviously learned nothing from my tutelage, Minato."

The named man perked up when he heard the statement. _B—but the only thing you taught me was how to spy on women and get beat up by those same women!_ He wisely kept his mouth shut, waiting patiently for the old prune to continue.

"Alright, do you remember how I used to wake you up for training?"

Minato batted his eyes innocently from the floor, working the cogs of his brain to dig up information from over a decade ago. He finally found an answer. "SENSEI! WE'RE NOT THROWING MY SON INTO A SPRING WITH NAKED LADIES!"

The toad sage waved his arms. "No, no! I didn't—" Well, perhaps he had that one time…. "Okay, imagine there are no women involved! What would I do?"

Minato glowered up at his sensei. _That's right, don't even try to excuse it cause you know you did_. Naturally, the occurrence had been his first thought, as it had been the worst experience of the yondaime's entire life. And the most terrifying one at that. A chill ran up his spine at the thought of the angry mob of females and the mass of stones that had been flying dangerously close. Even as Konoha's Yellow Flash, he doubted he'd ever run so fast or so far in his entire life.

He quickly remembered that Jiraiya was still waiting for his response. "You dumped me in snow a lot…" he recalled quietly.

"Right!"

Minato jumped up once his answer had been approved. "Great! So we'll just go dump him in a bunch of snow, and then— but sensei, it's spring." The blue sky smiled cruelly from outside the bedroom window. Minato poked his head out, glancing from side to side. No snow.

Jiraiya yanked him back in by his collar. "You've been thinking too much, kiddo. Use your brain." He prodded the man's forehead with a finger. The yondaime swept it off and muttered, "I've been using my brain."

Jiraiya waved him off, continuing with his patronizing lecture. "What's the most important thing I've ever taught you?"

Minato answered dryly, "How to be a peeping tom?"

"True but no."

"Women in bath houses are scary?"

"Will you get off the pervert thing!? I get it! Hot springs are off-limits for married men!"

Minato nodded happily. "Glad we've made headway." Stalling always made his sensei crumble and give the answer. This case was no different.

"The most important thing I taught you was how to analyze a situation and come up with adequate substitutes for any tools you should need," Jiraiya moaned, facepalming as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.

The hokage didn't know if that was even something his sensei had taught him but didn't argue. "We have ice downstairs," he responded bluntly, his mind sluggishly starting to pick up the broken pieces that his sensei was sprinkling through his mind like bread crumbs. Why couldn't the coot just say what he meant? Minato already had a headache, and Kushina would be coming home soon with a coffin in tow….

"What are you waiting for? I don't know where the ice is!"

"Oh, yeah. Excuse me for a minute" Minato teetered out of the room and reappeared with a small bag of the frozen substance, handing it to his sensei.

"Hey, he's your son!" Jiraiya groaned, tossing the bag back.

"He's your student!" Minato instantly returned the object like they were playing a game of hot tomato. Those three pillows were still burned on his conscious, little demons that beckoned for him to toy with the prospect of waking his son. He would not be so foolishly taunted, let alone by inanimate devils!

"Fine, fine. I didn't know I'd trained such a weenie," Jiraiya glowered, stomping over to the bed.

Minato didn't even smart at the name, instead taking initiative and backing out of the room. He knew exactly what was going to happen. The image ran through his head like a movie. Jiraiya would dump the ice uncaringly and turn his back (undoubtedly the worst mistake anyone could make). Before the sennin would have the chance to respond, 5, 4, 3, 2— _Wapp!_

The yondaime nodded as he heard his sensei grunt harshly. He was guessing it had been a well-aimed headshot. The blonde peered into the room, an "I told you so" expression slipping onto his face.

Minato passed by his son nonchalantly. He hadn't expected in the slightest for the event to faze him. Naruto rolled onto his side away from the ice cubes, a determined frown solidifying on his features. The fact still stood: no one would disrupt his dream of ramen.

Instead, the hokage stopped right over his sensei, who was face down on the ground, still twitching from the impact. As much as Minato wanted to stay true to his humble personality, he couldn't help but rub a little salt in the wound. "Well, sensei, what have we learned today?" he asked patronizingly.

"Shuddup, shorty."

* * *

**Author's Note:**

I have literally no idea what I just wrote. OLO'

Don't forget to review O/u/O Lil' ol' me likes to read what people think about the nonsense.

Minatochan2

Next- Attempt Three: Frontal Assault/Forging the Alliance


	3. Attempt Three

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Naruto, but I have seen whales […I likes them /O/w/O\ that I do]

* * *

Attempt 3: Frontal Assault / Forging the Alliance

"You're taking this very seriously, aren't you?" Jiraiya commented bluntly when the Yondaime proudly displayed his shogi board.

"War is war, sensei," he chirped as he hunkered down outside the bedroom. What a stupid comment; why wouldn't he be taking it seriously? _Old geezer_, he inwardly snorted but maintained his outward composure.

The sannin frowned but listened attentively when Minato ran through the multitude of plans he had concocted. He distastefully massaged the side of his face as he heard the strategies, the skin rubbed raw from where he had been hit.

"Stairs?" Jiraiya couldn't help but interrupt. "You can't even get within three feet of the kid without dying."

Minato's eye twitched in annoyance. Okay, constructing a ramp down the stairs obviously hadn't been his brightest idea, but the old fart hadn't really helped matters aside from being wounded in the line of battle. "Fine, what do you propose?"

Jiraiya pointed a finger at himself. "Me? Oh, no, no. I think you misunderstand me." He shook his hand excusingly, a contented grin plastered on his face. "I'm just here to watch you get your a—"

A pillow threateningly exploded against the closed door, causing both men to jump to their feet. "Yep, just here for kicks." Jiraiya nodded vehemently, his previously happy tone dissolving.

"You're really not going to help?" Tears prickling behind his eyes, Minato clasped his hands together and began the most intense groveling of his life. "You can't do this to me, sensei! We—we're a team, remember? We guys have to stick together, right?"

The man cleaned his ears in disinterest. "I'll be here for…." _What was that word again? _"…for emotional support." Jiraiya nodded and patted his student's shoulder, taking a few cautious steps back and gesturing for him to carry on.

No way! He couldn't bail on him! Not now! Minato turned his eyes back to the board at his feet, focusing on any strategy he could think of. He needed a base, someone who could hold a line while the other would lead the assault. Minato glanced back up to his sensei after the realization, blinking his innocence. "Oh, gallant Jiraiya-sensei?"

The named person shot a glance toward his student at the title. "What do you want, Minato?" he snuffed and folded his arms, but his eyebrows rose in curiosity.

"I just remembered something. I'm not quite sure why I did, but I figured you might be interested."

Resilient silence turned to flexible interest. "And what would that be?"

_Got him._ As much as Minato despised them, he couldn't help but voice his thanks to the Council, who had given him the thickest skin possible when dealing with the most tedious of issues. "Do you recall that time when I was fourteen, and you took me on a little adventure to Tsunade-sensei's house without her knowledge?"

"Minato, you wouldn't dare…"

"Oh, I'm daring." The hokage winked as his sensei's face paled.

"That's blackmail!"

Minato shrugged, glancing off to the side with a small smirk. "I like to think of it as an exchange for… mutual benefits."_ Hook, line, and sinker_.

The sannin grimaced but sighed in consent. "Whatever, I'll help you wake up your teenage brat." He pinched the bridge of his nose in annoyance. _Why had I ever wanted to come here? I could have been at the hot springs by now…_

"Any ideas, knucklehead?"

Minato smiled at the submissiveness. At least when Kushina came home, he would have someone to vouch for hi—

…

He had completely forgotten! A rock slide of worry collapsed onto his shoulders at the reminder. She would be home soon! "Kushina!" Minato nearly choked, yanking his sensei close to explain his plan. "We've got to work fast!"

* * *

A door lazily crept open, the creaking hinges echoing around the room. Two heads warily poked into the room with painful slowness. The two men nodded to each other, both of them pushing smaller, sideways tables in front of them from the security of the floor, temporary shields.

Minato signaled for Jiraiya to stand down further back as a line of cover while he continued forward. Although he had been expecting it, the sudden harshness of a pillow against his defense nearly knocked Minato off his feet. An unexpected stillness hung in the air as the hokage questioned sneaking out from behind his barrier, aiming to snatch the weapon from his son's [unbelievably large] arsenal. He looked over his shoulder to Jiraiya, who was busy fiddling with his gauntlets as if a sleeping— but scarily dangerous! —teenager was something he dealt with every week. The hokage scowled and planned his next move.

He took a deep breath, running through his strategy one more time as he shuffled to his feet, careful to keep his head behind the tabletop. He tied himself to a countdown, the numbers slipping past his mind agonizingly. "One!" the last number blurted through his mouth as he leapt over the barrier (in a way he thought would have looked pretty cool had he not been too busy worrying about his well-being). The edge of a pillow was immediately in his hand in the next second. He noted the heft and size with distaste; he'd make a point to advise Kushina against buying foam-chip pillows in the future.

But at least he had succeeded; the main objective had been accomplished!

Minato was ready to bolt back to safety, but he sadly tripped up at the finish line.

Quite literally.

Jiraiya nearly died laughing, holding his gut while stabbing a finger at the grounded hokage. Minato detested the jeers with a grimace. It hadn't been his fault that the leg of the chair had grown without his notice! His sensei's fit certainly didn't improve matters any.

Minato dejectedly pulled himself from the floor, ignoring the blatant sting resonating from his ankle. Perhaps when Kushina came home, he could get her to kill all the furniture first. Well, at least one _particular _piece of furniture. He nodded at the idea, casually tucking the pillow under his arm and marching over to Jiraiya. The hokage had hardly realized in his aggravation that he was no longer protected by anything. A rain of pillows and stuffed animals Minato didn't even know Naruto had assaulted him in masses. He couldn't help but think one single thought as he sprinted out of the room with a pillow in one hand and a surprised Jiraiya in the other: his son was going to be a hoarder when he grew up.

When he had tossed Jiraiya onto the floor back in the refuge of the hallway, the hokage instantly collapsed against the wall. He kicked one of the tiles off of the shogi board with his toe, ignoring the standard of taking it under his control. He couldn't risk using a weapon like this lest his son were able to get his hands on it again.

He was so immersed in thought that Minato hardly registered his sensei's insane hoots from beside him. "He got you so good, shorty! Haha! That's what you g—get for blackmailing!"

The Yondaime glowered at his sensei's amusement. Even if they had managed to remove a major player, they still had lost valuable time, time that Kushina's arrival could have cut short at any moment. Minato began pacing up and down the hallway, drilling his head with his hand in an attempt to speed up the inventing process. He managed to get a few laps done before Jiraiya perked up.

"Aw, the kid still has this?"

The blonde turned his head toward his teacher, his eyes landing softly on the small stuffed frog in his hands. He was surprised Naruto hadn't gotten rid of it. The thing was practically an ancient relic.

"I remember. I got it for your twerp back when he was three when I was on one of my trips." Jiraiya held the frog at arm's length, tilting his head to the side as he scrutinized it. "Now that I think about it, this looks kinda possessed. I wonder why he kept it."

Minato snapped his fingers as an idea popped into his mind. "Sensei! Say that again!"

The white-haired man turned to his student, the frog slipping from his thoughts for the moment. "I wonder why he kept it?" he guessed.

"No, no! About the frog! What did you just say?"

"…it looks possessed. And, hey, you know I'm right!" Jiraiya stuck his thumb in his chest, daring for Minato to argue.

The hokage waved his hands in peace. "I don't disagree. But I do have an idea."

Jiraiya's gaze travelled between his friend and the stuffed animal's dull eyes, struggling to figure out what was going through the blonde's head.

* * *

**Author's Note: **

Oh yes, we all know what's coming next. \OUO/

Thanks for reading—as always—and please leave a review about what incidents you may like to see (I'm pretty open actually. :p). If it doesn't say it's discontinued, it's not, so please follow/review until then. :3 Biweekly updates at least.

Minatochan2

Next- Attempt Four: Voodoo?


	4. Attempt Four

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Naruto, but I do own a giant chipmunk that breathes fire when I feed him peppers, and I like to fly him around all the time […that's a lie ,^/n/^,'' If only…the world would be ours *maniacal laughter*]

* * *

Attempt 4: Voodoo?

Minato blew off the layer of dust coating a book. As always, Jiraiya was hovering over his shoulder with a look of confusion and suspicion, watching his student sift through the miniature library of their basement.

"I know it's around here somewhere…" Minato muttered in annoyance. His hands were pulling the articles off the shelves, checking their covers, and tossing them onto a desk behind himself with an aggravated shake of his head.

"What are we looking for exactly?" the sennin prodded, his hands on his hips with a disapproving frown. The entire place looked like it had been raided by enemy-nin, and he doubted that it would be an easy clean-up. Then again, based on all the spider webs and filth, no one had been down there in years.

The yondaime had continued his search without responding, and Jiraiya repeated his question.

"Uzumaki jutsu," Minato responded bluntly. He marched to the other side of the room, nearly tripping over the books strewn across the floor. "Kushina's family brought some books here from Uzushiogakure before the Third War. I can't remember where they all are though. Maybe here?" The blond popped off the lid of a chest, sorting through another pile on the inside and closing it as he paraded to a wooden bureau. He flourished his hand while letting himself be consumed by the search. "Go keep watch, sensei."

The sennin sighed, obeying with reluctance and tossing open a pair of window blinds. The brightness of the atmosphere outside disagreed with the stuffiness inside. "I don't see any fires, tornadoes, or plagues coming, so I think we're fin— oh, wait."

Minato stiffened in panic, but his teacher continued talking. "I think I see a squirrel. Haven't seen one of those for awhile."

The hokage wasn't sure whether or not he should be relieved or ticked off. He left the decision alone for a moment when he discovered _the _book. Minato immediately began ripping through the pages in excitement, praying that he had found the correct volume. The racket was so loud that it even drew Jiraiya's attention. The white-haired man dismissed the window and snuck a peek over his student's shoulder, the blonde pouring over the contents and frivolously tearing through the book in search of God-knows-what. It seemed that Minato was caught up in his own focus, all other noise draining from the world. Jiraiya wasn't sure if that was healthy for a man who wasn't even fifty yet.

"Aha!" the yondaime finally cheered, prodding a diagram with his finger. "This should do the trick! If it doesn't work, I don't know what will."

The sennin frowned hard at the lines of seals and nonsense that even he, a famous seal master, could hardly translate. "What the heck is that? Some crazy Uzumaki fuuinjutsu?"

"Both Naruto and Kushina are Uzumaki. Do you think it wouldn't be crazy?"

"Point taken, shorty," Jiraiya conceded. "But how does this deal with getting the hibernating ramen-bear up?"

Minato tapped the monochrome picture inside the book with a satisfied smile. "Perhaps you should take a closer look, sensei. I think you'll figure it out."

The older man snorted at the challenge, sweeping the book from his student's grasp and studying the arrangement with a scratch of his chin. It took a moment, but his eyes finally widened with realization. "Minato… you're not really _this_ desperate are you?"

Minato's head cocked to the side, pondering how to phrase his answer. "Not quite desperate. Just—" he retrieved the text with a smooth snap of his wrist. "—taking a different approach. Oh, by the way, you got any ink? We're gonna need some."

"You know this isn't going to work, don't you? And of course I've got ink! Who do you think I am?"

The hokage sighed, implying the natural answer of "a perve", and made his way out of the room, his footsteps clomping up the stairs. Jiraiya trudged after the hokage but not before expressing his disapproval. "This family is insane. Just saying…."

* * *

Back in the trenches outside Naruto's room, Jiraiya and Minato were immersed in work.

"You're making the line too thick on that side! If this thing isn't going to work to begin with, you might as well not screw it up more!"

"Sensei!" Minato pouted as he crouched over a blank-faced doll with a brush in hand. "I know what I'm doing. I'm not five."

The sennin threw up his arms in aggravation and slid down a wall on the opposite side of the hallway. It wasn't too long before he started up again. "Minato, think logically on this. You've got a teenager— who, did I mention, sleeps late anyway? Then, you have your redhead wife who you believe will kill you when sh—"

"I don't believe it! I know it!" the hokage squeaked in panic. "You haven't seen Kushina when she's mad! When she screams, she makes demons seem like they're helping the homeless! Her teeth have sharpened to the point that they were used to carve my face into the Hokage Monument because they sawed faster!"

"Minato," Jiraiya stated bluntly.

"Her eyes literally roll back into her skull, and she has the power to summon natural disasters at will! A—and—"

"Minato."

"WHAT!?" The hokage had somehow gotten in front of his sensei, shaking the man for all he was worth. He hesitantly released his iron-clad grip after realizing this and shuffled his feet awkwardly.

Jiraiya seemed unfazed. "When was the last time you got any sleep?"

"Um…" Minato blinked with his mouth open, ready to answer, before he remembered that he didn't quite know…. "I've got this. Jus—just gimme a minute."

The sennin nodded as if the answer had already been provided. "That explains a lot," he muttered, walking over to where the empty doll lay. The pale sand color of the sown object seemed barren, and Jiraiya couldn't help but note that it seemed way creepier than that old, stuffed frog he had been hit with before.

He tossed it to his student and returned to his position against the wall. "Might as well finish what you started I guess. I'm curious as to what that thing will actually do." _Most likely nothing_, he finished with a frown. He supposed he'd just have to wait until the blonde wore himself out, and then, he could finally get back to his research. _Books don't write themselves, after all._

* * *

It seemed like it took forever, but finally, Minato seemed satisfied with his craftsmanship to give the object a test run. He seemed even more edgy than ever, nervously checking the clock farther down the corridor every chance he got. Jiraiya, on the other hand, seemed more indifferent than usual. Both men were positioned immediately outside the door, the hokage looking as if he were on an S-rank mission while his sensei seemed strangely out of place.

"Alright. Here goes nothing," Minato gulped poking at a few seals and bending an arm of the doll. A deafening silence stretched throughout the house as they waited. Nothing seemed to have changed at all.

If the white-haired man could have looked more unamused, he would have been dead. "Well, that was a fantastic try. He didn't chuck anything like you were aiming for, so it looks like it's back to the drawing boa—"

_Splat!_

Sensei and student recoiled in unison, each leaping back a few steps.

"You were saying?" Minato remarked slyly. He hid his own surprise for the moment to ridicule the sennin beside him. Jiraiya just glared in turn, causing the hokage to move on to more tactical talk. "That must've been the third beast based on the sound. The area's clear for the moment." Minato pushed the door ajar until it bumped with the ominous pillow against the door frame and gestured for Jiraiya to go first. "You get the honors, sir."

Jiraiya still thought Uzumaki voodoo was an awfully suspicious means of anything. "I still don't buy this," he sneered skeptically, trotting closer to the entrance before he was interrupted by another flying object. The two cringed at the crack, easily distinguished from the traditional "splat", but the more important piece was not that at all. Flying shards of glass exploded against the defenseless wall in an array of sparks and sharp noise.

"DID YOUR SON JUST THROW A LAMP AT ME!?"

"I didn't do it," Minato spluttered, holding up his empty hands in innocence. It seemed that the voodoo hadn't worked after all. The doll was overlooked on the floor while the both of them collected themselves.

Collected for Jiraiya wasn't quite the same as collected for a normal person, it seemed, as he continued, "How the heck does someone throw a lamp in their sleep!?"

The yondaime shrugged off the question, parading up and down the hall while massaging his temples. _Kushina will be back soon! What am I going to do? _Oh, he could always have gone to his office where he would be protected by the usually annoying secretaries and paper work should he be attacked, but Kushina would probably just send him death threats. She wouldn't have bothered with the traditional paper-cut words either, instead, using her own handwriting in blood-red ink. He would probably drown in the amount of letters she could produce. Minato felt for his neck. Nope. Going to work would just delay the inevitable.

Jiraiya had continued pondering aloud the same thought from before. "How would someone throw a lamp in their sleep? That just doesn't make any sense…"

A knock on the window disrupted their thoughts, and this time, the two men made a break for the hallway.

"Kushina!"

* * *

**Author's Note:**

Crack-fic cliffhangers…anything can happen, guys. ;D This "story" should be wrapping up in the next few chapters.

Will Chuck Norris jokes be over-shadowed by Kushina jokes? Unlikely, but it is possible.

If it doesn't say it's discontinued, it's not, so please follow and review :D

Minatochan2

P.S: Sorry for this attempt being so unbelievably late. This almost got to 3 weeks without being updated *slaps self* (and these chapters are so short too ;ONO;) I'll try to keep on top of things for the next chapter, broskees. :)

Attempt 5**:** Stall, Stall, Stall!


	5. Attempt Five

**Disclaimer**: I do not own Naruto, but if I could go back in time, I would totally tell Kishi to not kill off Minato [seriously, wouldn't we all?].

* * *

Attempt 5: Stall, Stall, Stall!

Minato couldn't remember a single thing that had been going through his mind aside from horrid alarm as he skidded down the hall, sirens practically roaring in his ears. Jiraiya was trailing behind, more out of surprise than fear. The two had nearly reached the stairs when a voice penetrated the panicked atmosphere.

"S—sensei, wait!"

The sennin seemed the first to hear the words; Minato was too absorbed in hurtling down the stairs to recognize the voice. Jiraiya gradually trudged back up the steps, a single, wide-eyed figure greeting him. "Jiraiya-sama," Kakashi addressed briefly, his visible iris glued to the staircase around the corner the yondaime had vanished behind. The named man groaned loudly. "False alarm, Minato. Get back up here."

"What do you mean 'false alarm'?!" A bush of blonde hair jolted back up the steps only to be met with the familiar shinobi. "Kakashi," he glowered in irritation. "What are you doing here? I'm kind of… busy."

The jonin's sight traveled between the two men, sparing a second to take in the broken lamp on the hallway floor."I can see that," he commented lightly. The absurdity of the situation was shoved to the side as he forced his gaze back to his sensei, the yondaime. "I was just here to see if Kushina-san was around. Rin wanted me to ask her about something, but based on your reaction, I'm guessing she's not here… or perhaps she is." Kakashi peeked around the hallway one more time, half-expecting a demonic figure to leap from the ceiling and put his jumpy sensei in a half nelson. There was no one else there it seemed.

Minato sighed in delayed relief, clutching his heart. He felt like it might have exploded out of his chest at any second, but the feeling was gradually subsiding. "Kakashi, don't go scaring people like that all because of a favor!"

"I just came through the window is all."

Jiraiya rested back against the wall. "Yeah, that's the point. And I thought it was my job to sneak through windows." He snuffed quietly, "Dang Copy-nin."

"Never mind. There's more important things to worry about anyway," the yondaime intervened. "Just wait down stairs, Kakashi. Kushina…will be home any minute." Jiraiya looked on unamusedly as his student's face paled.

"Oh, looks like I got here just in time." Kakashi chirped, glancing out the window behind him. He was immediately shoved to the side.

A startled sennin and hokage bent over the windowsill to see a dot of red hair on the street level, making its way closer to their hideout. "Jig's up, kiddo." Jiraiya sighed, patting the ghostly white blonde's shoulder.

"Hn?" Kakashi glanced up from the book in his hands and searched the two men's faces.

Minato blinked at the jonin beside him, an idea brewing. "Kakashi." The named man didn't like his sensei's tone. "You said you needed to talk to Kushina, right?"

Kakashi took a small step back. "Yes." The small step proved useless as the man was thrust out the window.

"Stall! Stall!"

"Wh—what do you mean 'stall'?"

The yondaime, who had already turned his back, responded with a frantic wave of his hand. "You of all people should know that! Just keep her away for as long as possible!"

Kakashi pouted from the overhang. He really wasn't good for conversation (even if Kushina could easily hold one with herself any day), but returning seemed a less promising option. He leapt off to ground level and tried to work his magic, directing the redhead in the opposite direction with the most cliché icebreakers he could fathom.

Minato nodded from afar. The plan seemed to be working, and the liberal time the two now had at their disposal would not go to waste. "Alright," he clapped, swiveling around with a smile. "Time to get to work! …sensei?"

The old man was slowly ramming his head against the wall. What an embarrassment for a sennin to be spotted with a bunch of crazies like these!

* * *

"Jiraiya-sensei! You're doing it wrong! He won't—"

"Stop backseat driving, Minato! There's no way to do this wrong!" Jiraiya angrily glowered at the bowl of ramen in his hands. He much would have rather eaten it himself instead of dangling it over a lethargic teenager. "I've got a new idea. Why don't we just spill the stuff on him?"

In a frenzied motion, the yondaime snatched the bowl and hugged it close. "If Kushina's going to kill me, it's not going to be over stained sheets, okay!?"

Jiraiya mumbled intensely to himself. "Fine, well, this isn't working anyway." Naruto garbled into a pillow case. "See? Even Naruto knows this is pointless. I bet he's been awake the whole time."

"No one likes a conspiracy theorist, sensei," Minato dismissed calmly, setting the bowl on the floor and taking a seat on the edge of the bed with a drawn-out yawn.

"Getting tired?"

"Nah, just thinking about what we can try next."

The white-haired man scratched at one of the lines on his cheek. "I've got one that might work," he proposed. The yondaime's silence urged him to continue. "Okay, consider this. We drag him out to a hot spring, and when we get there, we just throw him into the—"

"Sensei! No!" the father responded on instinct. "I'm _still_ scarred from all the times you've done that to me, and that was well over twenty years ago!"

The sennin huffed. "Better than tossing him down the stairs."

Minato took that moment to stand up and stretch. It wouldn't be any good to be stiff when Kushina came back; he'd need to be ready to run a few dozen miles out of Fire Country. "Whatever. I'm gonna go think some more."

Jiraiya watched him leave with a frown

"'tte bayo…"

He glanced down to the snoozing teenager beside him, stiffly patting his head. "'tte bayo is right, knucklehead," he exhaled loudly.

* * *

Minato patiently studied the shogi board on the floor, squatting against the wall of the hallway. Both games, literal and metaphorical, were lost, but he still found himself searching for a separate alternative, something that he had somehow overlooked, one more piece that his mind was telling him was there but he somehow couldn't see. He tolerantly twisted one of the lost pieces in his hand, working his mind for that neglected fact that he felt should have been obvious. The multitude of pieces that were sprawled across the floor and the few that were still there pointed toward the end, and Minato could help but feel slightly depressed that his options were dwindling. Even still, that feeling was overwhelmed by the section of a puzzle that just didn't make sense.

He yawned again. He was too tired for this but continued to work the shogi chip through his fingers as he digested every detail of the past morning. Something just didn't seem right…

Screw shogi! He heatedly flipped over the board entirely. He had never cared much for the game anyway.

* * *

**Author's Note:**

*shruggle* Remember that promise last chapter about on-time updates? Yeah, haha…ha. oNo"" Sorry, dudes. This past school week was the most hectic one of the quarter, and juggling two stories was way harder than I thought. Next week is my Spring Break though, so my goal is to have the next (and last!) chapter up by then. *crosses fingers*

Please follow and, if you're feeling generous, leave a little review.

Minatochan2


End file.
